


Making A Mess of Things

by doverit



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Lori got a bad rap, Love/Hate, Smut, Unhappy Ending, Unplanned Pregnancy, extramarital sex, extraordinary circumstances, marital sex, marriage is hard, matters of life and death, victims of circumstance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 01:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3363092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doverit/pseuds/doverit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The idea for this story came to me after watching a rerun of "Tell it to the Frogs". Lori gets a lot of hate. Some of it is deserved, but it got me thinking about extraordinary circumstances and how they can affect your life and the lives of others. </p><p>This story is loosely based off the canon from season's 2 & 3.</p><p>Smut starts chapter 3. ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rick

Rick

"We'll talk when I get home." Rick said grimly, looking down to pin his sheriff's badge on his uniform shirt. He was running late and the announcement was his way of letting Lori know he'd had his fill of this morning's latest argument. 

She sat silently on their bed and watched as he finished readying for work, the disappointment clear on his handsome face. Her gut was churning, but her face was purposely blank. She had gotten good at hiding most of her true feelings these last months. Disgust, indifference, pity, were not feelings she was ready to bring to light, or God forbid, talk about. Despite their problems, she never wanted to hurt her husband. She knew she did...hurt him that is, but she hated it, every single time.

Whenever she thought about discussing her feelings, telling him the God's honest, awful truth. it felt like a weight was sitting on her chest, pinning her down and making it a struggle to even breathe. She had wanted this life, so much. This man was her family. She kept hoping things would change between them. If she just stuck it out a little while longer, things would somehow right themselves. Then she wouldn't have to deal with their problems and how her feelings towards her husband had changed because of them. She knew that wasn't fair, wasn't the adult thing to do, but she found it hard to care when she knew life would be so much easier if she could just continue to ignore their problems. Acknowledging them meant things would definitely change. It would hurt, it would be messy. Two things she would never want for her husband, her son, or herself.

Trouble is, even though her mind was committed to sticking things out no matter what, her body wasn't. They hadn't had sex in almost a year now, and truth be told, they were rarely together before that. After months of unsuccessfully trying to initiate intimacy, Rick almost seemed resigned to their sexless  
marriage now. She couldn't decide which was worse, that he didn't try anymore or that he seemed ok with how things were. It hurt that he didn't care enough to help fix what was wrong. 

How fucked up was that? 

She missed having sex with her husband, but it was impossible to be in-the-mood with someone that you were constantly at odds with. If he really loved her, she reasoned, he'd do anything to try and change that, to get back the passion they once had. He wasn't doing a damn thing to make any changes, so she could only assume he didn't care. That part hurt worst of all.

Not to say that she was blameless in this situation. She knew she wasn't. She tried, she really did try to relax around him, to have some normalcy, but  
whenever he came near her and tried to exhibit any sign of affection or comfort, she would flinch. She couldn't help it. No matter how irrational she knew it was, this was her husband for God's sake, her body just naturally recoiled now from his touch. 

He would see her pull away and that muscle in his cheek would flex, like he was grinding his teeth, trying to bite back whatever hateful words filled his mind she guessed. It happened so often that she wondered if he shared any of his real self with her anymore. Or, if like her, he was hiding, desperately trying to protect himself from what she suspected would turn out to be a painful ending.

Their problems were pathetically typical. Boring issues that every married couple struggles with. Money, work, relatives, household chores, etc...That was the kicker. It was so ridiculously textbook, middle-class bullshit that she was even disgusted with herself. They should be stronger than that, better than that, but they just weren't. They couldn't seem to rise above any of it.

She didn't think she loved him anymore. A part of her wondered now if she ever had. He was handsome and steady and she had told herself he'd make a great  
husband and father someday. They married after dating one year and she realizes she never really got to know Rick Grimes the man before they said 'I do'. How could she know him when it was very clear to her now that she barely knew herself?

None of this was fair or right. They were all going to be hurt, but try as she might, it seemed she couldn't stop this misery from being exposed, moving  
forward into the open, where they'd have to deal with it, and live with the fallout and all the pain that comes with it. 

They'd gotten good at fighting quietly for Carl's benefit, angry words hissed out at close range and long days of silent treatment were their weapons of  
choice. She wondered how successful they were at sheltering their only child. They might not be screaming or throwing things, but the tension in the house was so thick you could cut it with a knife. How long could they realistically keep Carl from seeing it and understanding the truth of their relationship?

She had said the word divorce a week ago in a weak moment after one of their days-long arguments. The second the word left her lips she regretted it. Thing was, Rick didn't look upset, he looked relieved. His body visibly-relaxed when the word left her lips, which somehow made her all the more-furious. 

His relief let her know that he was feeling the same way about the state of their marriage but was too chicken-shit to say it. Both of them, tip-toeing  
around the elephant in the room, and she had been the one to cave first. 

Of course it would work out that way. That way, she was the jerk, and he got to be the good guy. Well, fuck him! If he'd had fought for their marriage like she had, they wouldn't even be in this situation. 

Screw it. This was obviously gonna happen despite her best efforts. It took two people to make a marriage work. She was never gonna save them all by herself, so what was the point in trying anymore?

Maybe it was for the best that it was happening now. Carl was still young. He'd be hurt, of course, but she'd do her best to shelter him from as much pain as she could. She'd be civil, even sweet to Rick. They'd already had months and months of play acting where their relationship was concerned. She didn't see a reason it needed to get ugly now, not with a child between them that they both adored. Carl came first. She knew Rick would never fight her about that.

She pulled back the living room curtain and watched as Rick got into his squad car to head to work. A vision tickled her memory of when he had been a new police officer. Back then, they'd been so happy. She'd follow him out to the squad car every morning for one last desperate kiss before he drove off. "A good luck charm" she called it, and he'd smile up at her, a man in love with his wife. 

She kept watching as the squad car turned the corner and disappeared out of sight. She felt wetness on her cheeks and was annoyed to find that she was  
crying. She would have thought that she had no tears left after all this time. Frowning to herself, she swiped at her unwanted tears, dropped the curtain, took a steadying breath, and went to wake up Carl for school.


	2. Shane

Shane

 

"He's been ...shot"

Shane's voice broke in the middle of that short sentence, his eyes shiny with tears. Lori just stared at him, the words reverberating in her brain. She heard him, but she hadn't processed it yet. She didn't think she could. It was always like that with bad news, wasn't it? When you first hear it, it doesn't seem real. And you cling to that confusion, that numbness, because you need too. No ones looking for clarity when the news is heartbreaking.

"Oh God, Shane. Is he...is he dead?" She stared at him, scanning his face for answers.

Now there was no mistaking the terror in his face. He was scared. That alone petrified her. She watched him with wide-eyes, waiting for him to answer her,   
but also dreading what he had to say.

"No Lori, no! He's alive, but it's really serious. I need to get you to the hospital right now." Shane told her. She tried not to stare at the blood stains on his uniform. Flat out refused to ask if it was her husband's blood, knowing the answer was most likely yes.

Carl?! I...I can't go now. I've got to pick up Carl from school. What do I tell him, Shane? What do I tell our son?" She broke down and sobbed as the weight of what Shane was saying suddenly crashed over her. She felt her knees begin to buckle, but before she could stumble, Shane reached out to steady her. She felt his strong arms surround her, keeping her safe. She automatically melted into that strength and comfort.

"Shh. Lori. S'gonna be ok. Rick's gonna be fine, ok? He's strong. He'll beat this, he'll pull through." He soothed, rubbing his hands across her back and shoulders. She could tell Shane was uncomfortable with her tears but he was still trying to be there for her. Under different circumstances, it would be   
comical. Lori sniffed loudly and willed herself to relax against Shane for a moment, wanting so badly to believe what he was telling her. 

Shane was a good man and she trusted him. She knew he was privy to their marital problems, but he wisely chose not to stick his nose in. He always respected her and she appreciated that. She obviously knew where his loyalties lie, he and Rick had been friends since boyhood, and they were now partners on the force. They were in each other's pockets five days a week, sometimes more. Friends didn't come much closer than that. Rick was lucky to have him.

She pulled back, using the palms of her hands to gently push against his hard chest, furthering the distance between them. "Okay...okay, you're right." She said wiping tears away from her eyes. "He's gonna be fine. Of course he is. I need to get Carl from school. Shane how do I tell him that Rick...that his Dad's been shot?"

"I'll go. I'll go with you. We'll tell him together." He said solemnly. 

She nodded her head. Yeah, that would work. Carl looked up to Shane. Thought of him as a family. He'd handle this better with Shane there. 

"Thank you." She breathed

"No need to thank me. Rick...he's gonna be just fine, you'll see." He said gripping her shoulders and staring into her tear-streaked eyes, trying to force   
her with the strength of his convictions to believe his words of comfort. "Until he's alright, I'll be right here. Not gonna leave you two to struggle alone with this. When he's back on his feet, he'd kick my ass if I did and you know it. Well, he'd try to kick my ass anyways." He added with his typical smirk. That small bit of normalcy helped to ground her, and she felt her lips turning up into a shaky smile.

Shane grinned widely at her reaction, pleased he had helped chase away her tears."Cmon now, let's go get Carl."

Lori nodded and followed him to the police car.


	3. The Virus

The Virus

 

"Need to talk to you." Shane whispered urgently as he entered her kitchen. He was sweaty and noticeably agitated. She had been washing dishes at the sink,  
cleaning off the frying pan she had used to make eggs earlier that day for her and Carl.

"Ok." She said, wiping her wet hands off nervously on a dish towel, her gut immediately churning at the thought of what he might have to say, fresh from  
visiting Rick at the hospital. 

They'd developed a routine of sorts these last awful weeks. He'd check on Rick early, then stop over. She'd cook them all something while he let her know if there were any changes that occurred overnight. Then, he'd stay with Carl, so she could go to the hospital alone for awhile. 

She used to bring Carl with her when she went to see his father, but it quickly became too hard for him to see him like, with little-to-no changes. After a few hysterical-episodes, Shane had thankfully taken over, staying with the boy so she wouldn't have to put him through that on a daily basis. 

Everything in her world was hanging in such a delicate balance that she was afraid to say or do anything that would make things worse. They went on as  
normally as possible, despite the fact that everything was most definitely not normal. It was irrational, she knew, but keeping to a routine helped her to keep her fears at bay. 

Pursing her lips, she reluctantly nodded at him that he should continue. Tell her something for God's sake. Tell her what she was most afraid to hear. 

"Pack a bag. Just essentials. We need to get outta here for a few days, just till things settle down." Shane said anxiously handing her an empty duffle bag to get started. 

She had to fight back a shaky smile at his words. It wasn't what she had feared he would say. Since the shooting, Shane had taken to micromanaging her life in ways that Rick wouldn't think possible of his carefree, selfish friend. She could only hope that her husband would recover soon and she could tell him just how amazing Shane had been. Rick would be so proud. 

Everyday of "no change" for Rick had Shane focusing more of his energies on her and Carl. She knew it was his way of coping with the shooting. He had told her how it went down. It was a terrible accident, but she knew Shane blamed himself. She knew he wouldn't be this focused on her family forever. She would never want that anyway. But for right now, she was so grateful for all his help.

"Shane don't be crazy. We can't leave." She said, barking out a nervous chuckle for emphasis. She didn't believe for a moment that this man, who had been so unwaveringly loyal through this whole mess would abandon Rick now. 

She narrowed her eyes at him as he looked away and ran shaky fingers through his hair. He was pacing the room, practically vibrating with nervous energy. The house was silent save for the sound of Carl's video game belching it's obnoxious rote-tones in the next room. She wasn't a fan of the video games but wouldn't allow him to watch tv alone lately either. You couldn't put the tv on these last few days without seeing non-stop grizzly coverage of this strange and deadly new virus infecting thousands overseas.

"Shane?" She persisted, her voice insistent. "We can't leave."

"C'mon, I need to talk with you and I don't want him to hear." He said, tilting his head to indicate Carl in the next room.

"Of course." She indicated, and motioned for Shane to follow her down the hall to her bedroom. She walked past the living room peeked in on Carl and saw that he was still thankfully engrossed in his game. She kept walking, her thoughts already weighing Shane's reasons. It had to be this virus getting him all up in arms. 

This new pandemic, or whatever it was the media was calling it now, was all anyone was talking about. It was all over every channel, day and night. She  
watched when she could, but the coverage was graphic. It was way too much for Carl to handle. Poor kid had enough to deal with right now. He didn't need  
another worry right now.

It was difficult to focus on international news when her husband's life hanging by a thread. She thought back and remembered other recent health scares, like Ebola and the Avian Flu. The media took those stories and ran with them, blowing them completely out of proportion. If you believed their propaganda, everyone on earth was only moments away from infection. Anything to garner tv ratings, she guessed. She felt terrible for the people around the world affected by this obviously serious and deadly disease, but she didn't fear it for her own family, safe in their little backwater suburb of Georgia. Not when they had so many more pressing issues to worry about. 

She felt the medical community would be able to contain this virus before it came anywhere near the U.S., like they had time and time again. Certainly it  
would be handled before the citizens of Georgia needed to fear. It was almost outside the realm of her thought processes to imagine a different outcome.

The CDC and other world health organizations had solidified those thoughts by already going public and issuing a statement proclaiming a cure was at hand. Just a matter of containing the virus to give them time to implement the it. At this point, the directive for the countries affected was "don't panic, be patient. A cure is coming". 

Shane ushered her in her room, his hand firm on the small of her back. He was close on her heels, practically bursting with nervous energy. She managed a  
tight smile in his direction, despite her fears of what he was about to say. She wanted to put this man at ease. He had pushed his own needs aside to help her family in ways she knew they could never repay. And he did it all for pure reasons. Simply, he loved her husband like a brother. To see him so panicked, so out of sorts had her worried. 

"You're scaring me, Shane." She half-chucked when the door clicked shut behind them. She watched as he paced the floor doing little to calm her fears. 

"Jesus Christ, out with it already." She ordered, her voice tight from pushing down the panic. He gripped her shoulders and steered her towards the bed,  
silently pushing her to sit. 

"It's bad, Lori." He began, once she was settled. "That virus? The one that's been all over the news? It's here. It's here already. It's at the hospital.  
Guess they were trying to keep it under wraps so people wouldn't panic, but it didn't work. They couldn't contain it. It was like a war zone. I've never seen nothing..."

She gasped, interrupting him, "The hospital? Our hospital? Rick? My God, Rick!"

"There were bodies in the hallways. Blood everywhere. Army came through. They were shooting people, Lori." Shane pleaded trying to get her to understand.

"We've got to go. We've got to get Rick. Right now."She insisted.

"No. We cant. You don't understand. I barely made it out of there. Can't go back." He said, distraught.

"We can't leave him there, Shane. He needs our help, needs...the machines, medicines. If it's that bad…" She reasoned.

"You don't get it. Machines were off. No ones in charge over there. It's chaos." He tried to explain.

"Machines were off? I don't understand...Rick?" She begged, confusion clouding her face.

"I'm so sorry, Lori, but...he's gone." Shane whispered.

"What? No." She gasped.

"I was with him. I checked on him. Of course I did! Machines were off for God knows how long and he's just- no one was left to check...fuck, he's just gone." He said, his voice breaking at the pause.

She saw white at his words, and everything went very, very still. She had to concentrate on her breathing just to fucking think. This couldn't be right. This had to be a mistake. Shane was wrong. Rick couldn't be dead. 

She clung to that self-protective thought and immediately her body kicked into gear. She needed to move. She needed to do something. She needed to go and get her husband and if Shane wouldn't help her then she'd do it herself. Standing up she pushed past him and made for the bedroom door, but he was faster.

"Lori.." He started softly, effortlessly blocking her only way out.

"Get out of my way. I'm going to get Rick." She insisted.

"No." He simply stated, infuriating her.

"Shane...move." She demanded, feeling her anger building quickly.

"I can't let you do this. Fuck Lori, I'm telling you he's gone already. You want to go and get yourself killed too, leave Carl an orphan?" He tried to reason. He didn't know she was already past the point of reason.

"Fuck you!" She screamed at him.

"I won't let you go." He held firm, secure in the knowledge that he was doing the right thing. 

She looked at him, the smug bastard was standing there like a solid wall of muscle that she knew she had no hope to move. A red-hot rage clouded her vision and she shoved at him. When that action illicit no response, barely shook his muscular-frame, she shoved again...harder this time. 

"Lori, stop." He pleaded, shrinking back a little from the contact. Hating that she was so distraught.

"No!" She screamed at him, putting every ounce of her energy into pummeling at him with her fists. He deflected every blow easily, his face growing anguished with emotion and grief over the situation.

She should have been embarrassed, physically attacking this man who'd done so much for her, but she wasn't. She was angry. So fucking angry. She glared at  
him, full to the brim of fury and hate, with no where to aim it, except at Shane. She couldn't hurt him with her fists, but she knew how she could.

"Some friend you are! Leaving Rick alone there to die!" She screamed, barely even hearing the words she was spitting out like poison. She couldn't think  
straight. How could this happen? How could Rick fucking die before they had a chance to fix things? How could this shitty reality be the end of them?

"What? No..." He said shaking his head at her, but she could see anger beginning to flash in his eyes, and it was enough to spur her on. She was itching for a fight and no matter how wrong it was, she wouldn't stop. 

"Bet you didn't even try to help him. Probably left him there, too vulnerable to have a prayer of escape on his own." She said, knowing exactly what to say to cut him deep.

"Watch it Lori." He growled, crowding menacingly against her. This close, she could feel the heat coming off his skin, feel the hardness of his muscles tight against her slight frame.

She sneered up at him, feeling his hot breath pant roughly against her face, Sickeningly enjoying the pain she was causing him with her words, pain she  
couldn't manage to inflict with her weaker body. Lowering her voice, she cut in deeper, and for good measure, twisted the knife. "... Just like you did the day you let him get shot."

At that, he looked down and whimpered as if in pain and staggered back a few steps. Her smug glare faded when after a moment of weakness, he looked back up, narrowed his gaze and locked eyes with her. Fear washed through her as he crowded her once again, freezing her with his now icy stare. 

"You God damned bitch." He growled, yanking her tight, stealing her breath.

She cringed, her body bracing for the blow she knew she deserved. In a weird way, she almost craved it. She needed to feel something...anything besides this soul-crushing anguish. She was completely stunned when instead of using his fist on her, he lowered his mouth to her, his lips harsh and unyielding as they pressed roughly against her own.

Without conscious thought, her arms reached out to him, holding his face tight to hers, as she returned his rough desperate kisses with all the energy she had just used to hurt him seconds ago. After a few frenzied moments that left her lips raw and battered, she pulled away. His face dropped, and she could see the exact moment when he realized what he's just done. 

"Lori," he pleaded hesitantly, bracing himself for her backlash.

She shook her head and leaned around his heaving form, reaching for the door handle. She watched his eyes widen, when instead of opening the door to leave, she clicked the button, locking them both inside.

"Fuck," he breathed and reached for her again.

They groped each other violently, all tongue and teeth and digging fingers, until they worked their way back over to the bed. She felt herself falling  
backwards as Shane shoved her back onto the mattress. Before she could catch her breath, he was fumbling at her waist, trying to loosen her shorts before giving up and just yanking them and her panties off in one swift painful motion. He didn't even look at her nakedness, but instead immediately crawled over her body, grinding his erection against her core, grunting obscenely at the contact. She gasped and bit his shoulder hard, tasting blood. In another blurred moment, he had his pants shoved down past his hips. His hot, thick cock pressed tight against her bare skin, seeking entrance. Before she could think, before she could reason why this was wrong, why it shouldn't happen, he pushed into her roughly in one well-aimed thrust, making her gasp at the invasion. She was wet, but it still hurt as he forcefully shoved into her over and over again, desperately seeking relief against their shared grief. 

It was all so fucked up but it was everything they both needed. This was not love making. It was rough and brutal, but somehow she still felt the tingle of orgasm skittering through her just as Shane picked up the pace, gripping her hip bones so hard she knew she'd have bruises there. 

She arched her back and clenched her muscles against the delicious friction and she was lost, shaking and moaning as her orgasm ripped through her, making her cry out and shudder against him. Her release triggered his. He didn't even try to fight it or pull back. He couldn't. He felt a flash of heat as his body began to quiver. His hips relentless pace stuttered and he let out a strangled groan as he sheathed himself inside her one final time, coming hard. His full body-weight pinning her to the mattress as he shuddered through each spurt of his own intense orgasm.

He immediately rolled off, and sprawled out next to her, skin sweaty and hair damp as they tried to catch their breath, their bodies struggling to calm after the frenzy of their sex. The distant drone of Carl's video game was the only thing keeping her grounded in reality at the moment. After a moment, she managed to turn her head and saw that Shane was crying. 

"I'm so sorry." He whispered, his face anguished as their eyes met.

"Stop. It's not your fault. None of this is." She emphasized, trying to convey that all the awful things she said in the heat of the moment, she didn't mean. It was just grief, fucked up, wretched grief. "You've been our rock. I won't let you beat yourself up over this. I won't!"

"I fucked everything up." He whispered desperately.

"You didn't. We trust you. We need you, Shane. Carl needs you." She pushed, knowing he adored her son. Knowing that the boy was a safe topic at this vulnerable moment. The only pure, good thing in the mess they managed to create. 

He dropped his head and started crying again. She reached for him and draped her body over him, offering as much comfort as she could, desperate to soothe his tortured soul. He wrapped shaky arms around her, holding her close. "Rick would be so proud of you, risking your life for him, risking your life for us. And now," she said grasping his chin to force him to look at her with watery-eyes, "you're going to get us out of here. Take us somewhere safe. We need you, Shane. Now more than ever."

He stared at her, desperate to believe that things could still ok. That he could still do right by his best friend, that they could make it. Scrubbing his hand down his face, he regained some of his bearings and managed a shaky nod. 

"Go," he said, clearing his throat and gently untangling himself from her comforting warmth, "go tell Carl we're leaving. We'll tell him...the rest- once  
we are safely on the road."

She exhaled and nodded, grateful to have their protector back. Grateful that she hadn't managed to break him, scare him away for good. She hadn't lied when she said they needed him. If he was right and this awful virus was already here in Georgia, then they'd need him even more.


	4. The Escape

The Escape

 

"Bring that over here, sweetheart." Merle Dixon leered at Lori who was hoisting a plastic bucket to pass around the quarry camp's afternoon water rations. "Like to watch you walk." The older redneck drawled as he tracked her movements.

Shane lifted his head up from helping the younger Dixon work on their car. He had obviously heard how Merle had addressed her and looked pissed. She caught Shane's eye and motioned for him to stay calm. She could handle the likes of Merle Dixon. True, he was an obnoxious bastard, but she could tell he was more bark than bite. 

"Better watch your mouth." Shane said, ignoring her placating gesture. He loudly projected his voice so Merle could clearly hear the warning.

"What's it to ya, Officer?" Merle drawled. "From what I hear you two's just friends. Lady can decide for herself if she wants some company or not."

"Merle, shut up." His brother Daryl interjected in a low-voice, carefully watching Shane's face as Merle continued to leer at her. The younger Dixon could   
see the banked rage in Shane, and was trying to keep his brother from getting his ass kicked. Whatever their official status was, Shane clearly was marking his territory where Lori was concerned.

"Alright, alright. But you better stake your claim if you're interested...Officer." Merle chuckled, enjoying riling Shane up. "Fine lady like that won't be lonely for long."

Her eyes flicked over to Shane. He was staring daggers at Merle who was grinning broadly, thrilled to have gotten the police officer's goat so easily. She sighed and looked over to where Carl was playing with Sophia. The children were near Carol, the young girl's mother, who was bent over the wash tub, scrubbing clothes. Lori walked over to greet them.

"Water?" She asked Carol.

"Thank you." Carol said, straightening up from her bent over position, putting her hands gingerly on her lower back to stretch before answering. "I really miss my Maytag." She joked.

Lori chuckled in agreement and handed her a cup full of water. Carol wiped the sweat from her brow with her forearm and shielded her eyes from the sun before taking the cup. 

"Do you mind watching Carl for about an hour? I need to talk to Shane." She asked.

"Takes an hour?" Carol teased, side-eyeing her from under her eyelashes, making her smirk. "You're a lucky girl."

"We're that obvious, huh?" She asked squinting against the sun to look at Carol.

"Maybe not to everyone." Carol allowed. 

"I just hope it's not that obvious to Carl." She said, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth.

"Would that be bad? Carl adores Shane." Carol reasoned.

"He does, but his father just died. It's too soon." Lori answered.

"Maybe not. Maybe just too soon for you?" Carol questioned.

Lori just shrugged and managed a smile for the kindly woman.

"He's a good man, Lori." Carol added, just as she was walking away.

"He is." She agreed over her shoulder, anxious to finish her chore, so she could talk to Shane. "Thanks Carol, be back soon." 

They hadn't left Shane's side since the day they escaped Atlanta. He continued to be everything they needed, taking care of her and Carl in the middle of all the terror the world had become since the virus hit. They'd seen so many awful things since that day they fled, things you couldn't unsee. This virus, the infected were attacking people- killing people. They were so lucky to even be alive right now. Lori knew they wouldn't of made it this far without Shane. 

She wasn't surprised that their first time together was not their last. Shane was a very physical man and he made it crystal clear he wanted her in that way, if she'd have him. She did, want him that way, but she pushed him away if there was any risk of Carl finding out, so it didn't happen often. She didn't want the grief-stricken boy to know what his Mom and honorary Uncle were up too. She wouldn't know what to tell him, didn't want to give this thing a name. She didn't know what to think of it herself, so she just- didn't think about it. She pushed it aside and concentrated on the happenings in the here and now. Lord knows there was enough to deal with now without having to obsess over feelings and what things may or may not mean. 

Her husband had just died. They had both loved him. She was sure a psychiatrist would have a field day with their situation. She chuckled over the thought of how ridiculous that idea was now. She doubted any psychiatrists were taking appointments now, too busy trying to stay alive. She would just have to   
eventually figure this all out for herself.

Enough of this navel-gazing! Shane was there for her and Carl when they needed him most. She cared about him, that much she'd admit. A part of her knew that if circumstances were not so desperate, she would never have allowed things to get to this point with Shane. But they were desperate. So desperate that to worry about what Shane might think wasn't even on her radar. 

Maybe that was a mistake?

Her main concern, was of course, Carl. She worried incessantly about her son. The boy was distraught with the news of Rick's death. There wasn't even time for any of them to process that terrible loss, before they had to move on. Rick was gone, and then that same day, they were on the run. 

Shane had hoped to head to nearby Fort Benning. He had heard they were taking people in, but then news came over the radio that the military base had been   
overrun with the virus as well. Stuck on the highway with all the other escapees, she'd met some families who knew of a close by quarry they could setup   
camp, far enough away from the city to be safe from the infected. She'd talked to Shane and they decided to go for it. With so many refugees, and no safe place to go, Shane feared other people more than the virus. As a police officer, he'd seen people's brutality under the best of circumstances. He knew how bad things could get and wanted to make sure they stayed well ahead of the coming chaos.

"Need to talk to you." She said, when she got over to their broken-down car, clearing her throat first to get his attention. Both Daryl and Shane looked up at her interruption. "Shane," she clarified awkwardly when both men just stared at her.

"Just be a minute." Shane said dismissively. She nodded, went to put the empty water bucket back and then headed towards the tents, looking back to make sure that he had seen where she was headed.

She unzipped their tent and pulled back the nylon flap to let some cool air get in while she waited. It was a hot day, but there was a nice breeze blowing now. The shade the tent provided was a welcome reprieve from the baking midday sun. Sitting on her sleeping roll, she stretched her tired legs and enjoyed the break while she waited.

Shane walked over. His purposeful strides telling her that he was still pissed off from earlier. She was glad she hadn't waited and had instead decided to   
speak with him now.

"What's up?" He asked when he reached their tent.

"Come in, the shade feels nice. Saved you an extra cup of water too." She smiled, holding the cup out to him.

He managed a small smile at her gesture, took the cup and sat down beside her on the sleeping roll. His big body relaxed as his muscles stretched and settled.

"I heard your little chat with Meryl." She began hesitantly.

"That asshole. He's lucky I didn't knock his teeth down his throat." Shane answered tensing up at the mention of the older redneck's name.

"He wasn't wrong. We are friends." She pointed out.

"Pssshht. We're a hell of a lot more than that and you know it." He bristled.

"Are we?" She asked.

"What you trying to say? You want to take Meryl up on his offer?" He said, immediately on the defensive.

"Shane..." She said hesitantly.

"No Lori, what the hell?" He demanded.

"I'm just saying that you've been so wonderful for Carl and I but Rick...just died and I don't want things to get any more complicated than they already are. I don't want anyone to get hurt." She admitted.

"You mean me." He said angrily.

"I mean any of us. Carl..." She tried to explain.

"Carl loves me." He said, assuredly.

"He does, but Rick..." She began.

"Was going to divorce you." He answered bluntly.

Any words she was going to say next died on her lips as she took in what he just told her. She stared at him, a strange buzzing going off in her head at the mention of her failing marriage and all that she had so recently lost. 

"He told me the morning he was shot. You two had been in another bad fight and he was just done, Lori. He said every man has their limits. It was over for   
him." He said

"No..." She whispered.

"See, I told him a man doesn't give up on his family. Course I knew you two had problems but I always told him he was lucky. Even during the worst days.   
That...that time you threw the lamp and it shattered against the wall?" She cringed at the memory and he smiled. "Even then, I told him he was a lucky man. Cause he had Carl...and he had you." He finished quietly. His gaze heartbreakingly intense on her shocked face.

She wasn't surprised that Shane knew of her issues with Rick, or that he knew details of their many fights. He was Rick's closest friend. Now that he was   
gone, she was at least glad he had someone to confide in during those bad times. She had fucked up. She had trusted her instincts when it came to her marriage, and they had steered her wrong. 

Now she was here, new widow, with a young son, in a world gone mad. Next to her was a man she knew and trusted, who loved her son and obviously cared deeply for her too. Her heart didn't want to accept this new reality, but when was her heart ever a good judge of anything? She trusted her heart in her marriage and look where that got her.

"You really feel that way?" She asked Shane, her voice shaky and timid.

He reached out to push loose tendrils of hair behind her ear and smiled. "I do. You and Carl...I'm gonna take care of you. Keep you safe. You're my family now."

He reached for her and she flinched but quickly recovered and forced herself to move against him. She was a little too clumsy trying to cover up her automatic reaction, but luckily Shane didn't seem to notice. He welcomed her into his strong arms and roughly kissed her mouth, threading his fingers through her long hair to hold her to him. She whimpered and he pulled back, giving her mouth a reprieve while he sucked wet, open mouth kisses down her neck.

"God Lori, baby I need you." He panted, his voice already husky with desire.

"Carol has Carl. Zip up the tent?" She answered quickly, determined to make him happy. Determined not to screw this up too. Shane deserved better than that.

He pulled back to grin widely at her before jumping up to secure the tent. She watched him, fighting against the knot of anxiety blooming in her belly. He   
returned quickly, pushing her back so he could crawl on top of her. She could feel his erection, hot and heavy between her thighs. Propped up on his elbows, he looked down at her with such tenderness that it made her heart ache. He touched her face gently, as he stared into her eyes, a shy smile resting on his tan face. 

"I'm yours...and you're mine." He said fiercely, as he traced over her forehead down to her soft cheek. She closed her eyes to nuzzle against his roving   
fingers. 

"Not hiding anymore. Can't risk it. Scumbags way worse than Merle Dixon out there will get ideas otherwise. They'll think they can just take what they want, do whatever they want. What law's gonna stop 'em now? Things'll get worse 'fore they get better. I won't risk you two. Carl will...he'll come around. People need to know you're both mine. You understand?" He said softly.

She stared at him. He was painting a grim picture, but the way things were now she couldn't exactly refute him. He hasn't steered her wrong yet. His gaze was earnest...hopeful as he watched her mull it over. Swallowing the lump that formed in her throat, she didn't trust her voice to answer, instead she just nodded. 

At her acceptance, he dipped his head to capture her waiting mouth, claiming it for his own. She felt his tongue seeking entrance, so she parted her lips,   
enjoying the gentle stroke and slide as he tenderly explored her mouth. She felt her blood begin to quicken and sighed against him, making him moan and rock his hips against her harder, more deliberate.

"Condom?" She breathed.

"One left." He admitted gratefully. "Group's heading into Atlanta tomorrow for supplies. I'll put 'em on the list."

"Good." She said, and began to strip off her clothes while he rummaged through his pack. He grinned when he found the lone condom. His smile so joyful that it made her giggle just seeing it. He tossed it to her and she watched while he made short work of his own clothing. 

He was big and strong, without an ounce of fat on him. Broad plains of muscle topped with smooth, olive skin. He was beautiful, and he made her feel so good. She knew she didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve this second chance at happiness, but she'd be damned if she would turn him away either.

"C'mere." She ordered huskily, and he obeyed, crawling on all fours in the low-tent to settle himself back on top of her now naked form. They both groaned   
at the skin-on-skin contact kissing and nipping at each other's newly exposed flesh.

"You're so beautiful, Lori." He breathed in her ear after sucking lightly on her sensitive neck, enjoying the way that made her squirm her hips wildly beneath him. "Fuck- you've got me so hard."

"Shane!" She gasped, clutching his butt, anchoring him in place against her, as she rocked her hips, enjoying the friction of his erection pressed tightly   
against her swollen clit.

His mouth worked a path down her neck, across her chest to her breasts. She moaned when his tongue found her sensitive nipples. He licked and sucked each   
one until she was practically begging, only stopping when she could no longer control the sounds she was making. The tent kept them from prying eyes, but the nylon shell did nothing to muffle their noises. He disentangled himself from her grasping hands and sat back on his heels, smirking at her while he readied the condom.

"I've missed you like this." He confessed as he moved over her, positioning himself at her entrance. 

She arched against him the same instant he pushed inside of her with one sure stroke, groaning at the delicious stretch as he filled her completely.   
Everything felt wet, throbbing and swollen, as her body adjusted to the feel of him. 

Once inside, he froze for a moment, head down, panting, arms shaking, as he waited for the initial wave of pleasure to subside. 

"You feel so fucking good...Jesus!" He groaned and leaned down to latch onto her neck again, trying to regain some control over himself. When the moment   
subsided, he lifted his head and looked down at her neck and frowned. "Shit baby, that's gonna leave a mark."

"S'ok." She soothed rubbing circles across his broad back, digging her fingers into the hard muscles. "Don't stop." She urged, canting her hips against him, spurring him to move.

He groaned, and rocked his hips, surging in and out of her with a strong, steady rhythm. She hissed at the exquisite feeling, wrapping her long legs around him, pulling him deeper inside. 

She loved the feel of the weight of him over her pinning her roughly to the mattress with his heavy body, his musky smell surrounding her, making her feel   
protected. Every primal grunt and moan that escaped him, made her breath hitch and her body throb in tune with his as he moved relentlessly over her, making her feel desired...powerful. 

He hid nothing from her, every emotion, every pleasure was open to her as they moved together. When they were like this, she found him irresistible. They fit together, drove each other wild. She tried not to think on it, how perfect he felt inside her, better than anyone else ever. She just closed her mind and enjoyed what it was. He offered himself to her freely, and she took it all, couldn't get enough of him. 

"More." She moaned. She could feel her body tensing, climbing up and up. She knew she was right on the edge.

"Oh, fuck...fuck- Lori!" He groaned as he picked up the pace, pounding into her, gripping her hips tightly as he moved. 

One more thrust and she was there. Her body surged and bowed against him. Crying out, she clung to him as she shook through her release. 

Her eyes snapped open and she watched enthralled, as he bore into her one final time, his eyes squeezed tight, arching his back as he pushed in deep as he could go. His strong body tensing and stuttering as he came.

"I love you." He breathed, his body still twitching with the aftershocks of his orgasm. 

She wrapped her slight arms around him, holding him tight to her as she lightly kissed his neck, and stroked his damp skin, making him sigh against her, gusting hot contented breath into her hair. 

She didn't say a word. She never did after he confessed his love for her. She just held him close, soothed him, for as long as he needed. It was all she had to give. 

She hoped it would be enough.


	5. Second Chances

Second Chances

 

Rick turned off the camp light and rolled toward Lori, cautious for any resistance in his estranged wife as he slowly closed the distance between them. With the light out, it took a minute for her eyes to adjust to the darkness inside their tent. When she could see clearly again, she found him staring at her, his blue-eyes full of familiar hunger.

Tucked in the corner of the tent, their son snored softly. Rick broke their gaze to look over at their sleeping child. An expression of wonder and pure love passed over his handsome face, making her heart swell. There were no words to express the depth of her joy at seeing her son and his father, together again. 

She kept her focus on Carl, until she felt Rick move closer, his body pressing hesitantly against her own. Her breath hitched softly at the gentle contact and she smiled, pleased that for once that her body matched her heart. Neither of them said a word, but they both felt the change. For the first time in forever, he offered himself to her and she didn't flinch, didn't pull away. She felt his satisfied grin against her skin as he leaned in, feathering soft, slow kisses over her neck, offering her plenty of time to resist him. Instead, she arched against him, pushing for more. She heard his low moan and her heart soared. 

God, she had missed him. She had missed this, what they had from so long ago, that indescribable thing that drew her to him in the very beginning. It was so unexpected to have this again, something she thought they had destroyed with years and years of pain. But here he was, and here they were. This man, her family- together again. She should be over-the-moon at this turn of events. And she was happy, but there were conditions to that happiness now, complications that she couldn't ignore. 

For weeks, she had believed Rick dead. She was in mourning, scared and needing help in the midst of the worst crisis in known history. Shane stepped up and was there for them. Despite unimaginable odds, he stood by them and somehow got them through. 

Now, Rick was alive and just like that, their lives had been redirected once again. His resurrection was nothing short of a miracle. This would be their fresh start. 

Shane Walsh was no longer needed.

Just thinking of Shane made her stomach twist and her heart ache. She struggled to push those feelings down, lock them safely away. They had no place now. She hoped her face wouldn't betray her emotions because right now, as her husband lovingly kissed her, she was dying inside.

Goddamn Shane to hell for lying to her! Goddamn him for trying to protect them in his own misguided way! And God-fucking-damn him for loving her, making her feel like she could love him right back. 

She realized that nothing that came before today would matter anymore, and she had to bite back an anguished sob. Shane's lies made sure of it. It would be like their time together never happened. It had to be like it never happened. As if every beautiful thing she had when she was Shane's, never even existed. 

What other choice did she have? She thought as her husband continued to rain soft, delicate kisses on her skin. What other choice did Shane have? Rick was back. Shane would be pushed aside, given a pat on the back for his heroic efforts in keeping his best friend's family safe. There was no other way to handle this situation. Like it or not, their fate was set. 

Rick rolled her on top of him. She could feel his hardness pressed tight between their bodies, a poignant reminder that this man holding her was her husband, that despite everything, he still wanted her. The impossibility she had prayed for had come true. This was her second chance. She knew she didn't deserve it, but here it was.

He ran his hands reverently over her body, like he was trying to memorize every dip and curve that he had been so long without. She managed a shaky smile and wondered if she should say something, then decided against it. What could she say that wouldn't hurt him or ruin this? No, she was done hurting this man. He'd suffered enough.

Problem was, there was another man suffering right now. Her mind again flashed traitorously to Shane, and the blissful moments they'd spent alone in this very tent. She gave herself a mental slap. Shane had lied to her. She needed to remember that to stay strong. 

As much as she wanted to hate him now, for putting them all in an impossible situation, she couldn't. She knew in her heart that his intentions were good. He had lied to her to get her to flee her home, but he did that because he knew if he told her Rick was still alive, that she would never have left. Simply, he lied to save them. A secret part of her understood his motives. Rick was unconscious, alive only because of the hospital's machines. Under such dire circumstances, how was he to save him? How was anyone? 

Shane had made a hard choice. He did what he could for Rick, gave him a chance, and then he saved her and Carl. He chose them. He did what he thought Rick would have wanted given the circumstances, and now he would suffer for it. He had his best friend back, but in the process, he lost her and Carl. 

Now she would have to make the hard choice. She would have to stand by silently and watch Shane suffer. Her mind spun round and around, but she couldn't think of any way to make everyone happy in this scenario. It was impossible. No matter what she did, someone was going to be hurt. 

She sighed and ran shaky-hands over Rick's bare chest. She could feel his heartbeat against her fingers and tears came to her eyes. He was alive. Her  
husband was alive, and he was here with them. How could she be thinking of anyone else? What the hell was wrong with her? 

Steeling her resolve, she put her full-focus back where it belonged, on Rick. She reached down and grabbed the hem of her tshirt, pulling it deftly over her head. She heard Rick suck in a breath, as she quickly unsnapped her bra and let it follow her shirt to the floor of the tent leaving her bare from the waist up.

"Your turn." She said nervously. She climbed off him to help him with his pants. After a few awkward fumbles, he reached down to help her. Within moments they were both naked, and he guided her with his strong arms underneath his body. When she settled, his hands immediately found her hips and moved over her, his erection hard between her firm thighs. 

"Lori." He breathed, holding her tight. "My Lori. I've missed you so much."

She smiled up at him. She had missed him too. Her fingers traced over his face, mapping his forehead, then his cheeks and finally resting on his full lips before she reached up to kiss him there. His lips were slightly chapped, but still soft and warm. He had always been a great kisser and she was pleased to find herself responding. She wasn't sure, after everything, if she would.

He framed her face on bent elbows, as his tongue moved past her parted lips. Every wet slide of his tongue against her began sending little sparks of pleasure effortlessly through her body. Her pulse sped up and her breath came faster as they continued to explore each other's bodies, hands and mouths touching and tasting all they could reach in this position. It was achingly sensual. She had been worried, it had been so long, but she couldn't deny that it somehow felt right to be with him like this. It felt like coming home.

She pulled back panting, but Rick didn't stop. His lips kept up their relentless assault, pressing wild, wet kisses and soft-bites down her neck and chest. She cried out when his hands cupped over her breasts, his thumbs stroking gently over her hard nipples. 

"God- Rick!" She moaned. She felt his erection between them and her hips instinctively rocked against it, surprising her with the sharp burst of pleasure from the contact. She had assumed her dark thoughts had derailed her desire, but her body apparently had other ideas. A whimper burst unexpectedly from her lips. "Please-"

He lifted his head to stare down at her, his eyes clouded with passion. "Say it again." He begged. "Tell me...tell me you want me."

She looked at him, and for the first time saw the vulnerability in him as he pleaded with her to want him again, to love him again. Her heart ached at the sight. She had thought him indifferent to her. How could she have been so wrong?

"Please Rick- please make love to me." She whispered in between kisses, needing to please him, needing to at least make this one thing right. 

He groaned at her answer. "Want you so bad- need you." He panted against her lips. Her arms were suddenly empty as she felt him scooting down low, positioning his head between her legs. Before she could say anything, he kissed her there, his lips soft and delicate against her. 

"Rick" She whispered timidly, propping up on her elbows to look at him. 

"Shh" he whispered, the pleasurable vibrations from his lips startling her, making her moan. He rubbed her thighs to soothe her, then spread her legs further, exposing her to his hungry gaze as he went down. 

He pressed his mouth against her. She could feel his stubble rasping gently against the skin of her inner thighs, as his mouth moved against her, adding to the soft pressure from his lips. She ran her fingers through his dark curls, scratching at his scalp until his blue-eyes flicked upward at her. She needed to see him, needed to gauge his thoughts at this tender moment. She'd been his but it had been so long it was like they were new lovers. She was nervous and unsure after so many years of unhappiness between them. His eyes locked with hers and her body throbbed at the raw hunger that was reflected there. She was spread out and vulnerable before him but he was the one that was exposed.

Gripping his curls she broke their gaze and pushed him back down to her, where she instinctively knew he needed to be. His tongue and teeth licked and nipped at her sensitive flesh in a messy rhythm that had her quickly writhing against him. He held her thighs tight as she squirmed, holding her in place. She heard herself panting out mindless little noises of pleasure as he explored every single inch of her.

"God!" She moaned, completely overwhelmed. Her cry spurring him on, making his mouth go rougher and faster against her hot, wet flesh. 

She could feel his hips thrusting against the blankets beneath them. He was hard and ready for her but was keeping his own needs in check, to focus solely on her. The thought turned her on even more, tightening her body higher and higher toward her peak.

His eyes snapped to hers once more, enthralled with watching her slowly come apart for him. He snaked his hands up her body, past her stomach onto to her breasts. Her breath was ghosting out in jagged little puffs for him as his fingers reached her nipples and lightly stroked over them. At his touch, a ripple of pure pleasure pulsed through her. His fingers and mouth kept up. She tried to focus to tell him to stop that she needed him now, but she couldn't rise above the waves of pleasure that were throbbing inside her. She pulled at his curls so he would come to her, so he would understand what she couldn't verbalized, but he held fast. 

"Soon." He murmured against her flesh, as his finger entered her, pushing roughly inside, making her cry out and arch up tight against him, tensing and shaking as she fell over the edge and came and came.Her body was still twitching with the aftershocks when she felt him move over her. They locked eyes and he smiled down at her before gently kissing her lips. She could taste herself on him, and it made her smile. God, she had missed him and how he made her feel. How had they ever let this go? So much wasted time. 

Reaching down between them, he positioned himself at her entrance. She shifted, spreading her legs wider for him. It was all the encouragement he needed. Grasping himself, he pushed in, both of them groaning deep as he filled her. 

"Fuck!" He moaned, just as she gasped beneath him, clutching at his shoulders, digging her nails in for purchase as finally, he began to move within her. 

"You feel..." His breathed, his voice hitching and pausing between his thrusts. "... so perfect."

She wrapped her legs around him, pulling his body in closer, deeper. "Don't hold back." She panted. "Want you to come for me." 

He groaned low and deep, her words making him move harder- faster. She rocked her hips, meeting every frantic thrust. She turned her head, putting her lips against his ear and whispered. "I love you," and he was lost. His rhythm stuttered and cried out, gripping her hips tightly as he burst into her, moaning her name as he came. 

He collapsed on top of her and then quickly rolled them so she was laying on his chest. They were both quiet just enjoying the rare moment of peace between them as their bodies relaxed and cooled in the afterglow.

Lori tilted his head to look over to where Carl was still snoring away, then looked back to Rick. "Thank god he's a sound sleeper." She commented, making them both smile.

He reached out to cup her cheek, his blue-eyes nearly glowing with the intensity of his stare. "Did you mean it?" He asked, in a voice so low and rough it was barely above a whisper. 

She stared back at him, captivated by the emotion he was offering, his openness with her. She didn't have to ask what he meant by his question, she already knew. "I meant it. I love you." She confessed, making his whole body visibly relaxed and he smiled.

His answering smile was infectious, both of them grinning like loons at the impossibility of their love. She did love him, and he loved her. That was their truth, their miracle. She snuggled in closer to his warmth and just enjoyed the moment. 

She wouldn't think of the other stuff now. She knew she was being selfish, but she wanted to enjoy this, just a little bit longer.


	6. I'm Pregnant

I'm Pregnant

 

"Lori, for Christ's sake, I need to talk to you." Shane said, following her as she tried to walk away from him. She was hanging laundry out to dry behind the Greene's barn when he finally caught up to her. She'd been busy avoiding him ever since she screwed up and confessed she was pregnant. Looking around   
furiously, she was at least relieved to see no one was nearby to witness their exchange.

"There's nothing left to say, Shane." She said shaking her head at him.

"Like hell there isn't! You tell me you're pregnant, and that it's never gonna be mine, and I'm just supposed to what? Fucking roll over and take it? That is my baby you're talking about." He growled angrily at her. 

"You don't get it. It's not your baby. It will never be your baby." She spit out just as angrily. Fuck! Why was he making this harder than it already was?! 

He ducked his head and took a breath, calming himself down to try a new tactic with her. "See, I thought about that and I disagree. You're acting like Rick's made of glass, like he's gonna shatter into a million pieces if he ever found out about us. But I know him, Lori. He'll understand what happened. He'll understand the circumstances." He said soothingly, trying to win her over to his way of thinking. If only things were that simple.

"He won't." She insisted, not falling for his charms. His face fell. She could see in his eyes that he was desperate, and her heart throbbed painfully in her chest. She sucked in a shaky breath, steeling herself. She couldn't give in. Didn't matter that she wanted too, just as desperately as him. 

"He will! He's my best friend, Goddamnit! I'll tell him the truth, finally the fucking truth that I shoulda said right from the very beginning. I know he'll understand. I thought he was dead, Lori. You know that. I never woulda...It's not like I...I never laid a finger on you before..." He tried to reason. She saw a flash of guilt behind those stuttered words. He had wanted her, even before. He'd never said, but she knew. Women always knew. Little touches, lingering looks... Didn't matter that he hadn't acted on it. Rick wasn't stupid. He'd know there was more to it than just circumstance. Thou shall not covet...

She barked out a mirthless laugh. "Before what, Shane? Before you lied and told me Rick was dead? Before we left him to rot in that hospital? Or was it before you fucked me...in his bed?" 

He stumbled back as if she'd slapped him. "Wasn't like that, you know it wasn't." He said shaking his head as he tried to deny the truth of her words.   
The hurt in his eyes, she didn't want to see it. Why was he doing this? Like it wasn't hard enough.

"It doesn't matter! Rick is my husband, Shane." Please God, Shane stop! 

Fuck Lori, I love you! And you can't stand there and tell me you don't love me back because I know you do." He pleaded, every line of his body straining, reaching out toward her. Her heart was breaking, but she couldn't stop now. As much as it was killing her, she couldn't give him any hope. She had made her choice. The only choice she could make. Once again, the knife was in, she just needed to twist...

"I don't love you, Shane. What we had...it was like you said..circumstance. That's all it ever was." She said, her voice hard, because if she didn't keep it that way, if she didn't furiously bite the inside of her cheek so hard she tasted blood, she'd start crying and never stop. 

"You're lying." He said yanking her to him. "You love me!" He insisted, sealing her mouth roughly with his own. She struggled, but he held her tight, not giving an inch, making her feel him. Begging her with his body to love him. Reminding her of everything she'd been missing. Reminding her of everything she'd never, ever have again. And for a split second, she yielded. He felt her body give and he moaned, squeezing her tighter against him, deepening his kiss.

"No!" She screamed out , startling him, causing him to loosen his grip on her. She yanked away, reeled back, and slapped him as hard as she could across the face. He looked at her, stunned surprise coloring his features as she watched him warily, waiting for his anger, half-expecting him to grab her again. He took one sure step toward her and she found her voice. With as much venom as she could muster, she said, "I don't love you! I never loved you, Shane."

He whimpered and froze mid-step. She looked down. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't meet his eyes and stay steady. She felt nauseous, and prayed she wouldn't throw up. She needed to stay strong, just a little while longer. 

Clearing her throat, she broke the lingering silence. "You should go." She whispered, her voice thick with emotion. 

"Go where? To hell?" He asked coldly, barking out a bitter laugh. His eyes were empty. "Fuck you, Lori. This ain't over. That's my baby." He spit out and turned to stalk away.

She watched him leave, her hands flexing at her sides, trying to restart the blood flow to her fingers. She had been clenching her fists so hard during their exchange that they had gone numb. She wished she could do the same to her heart. She wished she could squeeze it tight, until there was nothing left to hurt. Numbness was preferable, anything was besides this overwhelming pain she was feeling.

She stretched her hands again, feeling the blood come rushing back painfully into her fingers. Bending down, she grabbed a damp shirt from the basket and pinned it up on the clothesline, blocking her view of Shane's retreating form. Only then did she let her tears flow.


	7. Circumstances

Circumstances

 

"Here." Rick said, roughly nudging her bare arm with an open can of tuna fish.

The small tin was cool against her sweaty skin, but she felt no relief. She didn't feel much these days besides swollen and uncomfortable and sad- so very, very sad. She took the can, purposely over-grabbing it to let her fingers brush against her husband's in the exchange. At that slight touch, his hand dropped away like she'd burned him. He looked down at the prison's concrete floor, shook his head to himself and walked away. 

She didn't know why she expected anything different. She thought, putting the uneaten can down on a nearby table, her appetite suddenly vanished. Rick hated her. She didn't blame him. How could she when she hated herself?

She was so engrossed in her thoughts, she didn't hear Carol until she was right beside her. "Give him time." She said gently, putting her hand on Lori's   
shoulder and giving it a squeeze. Lori placed her own hand on top of her friend's and patted it, grateful for the simple comfort. 

She didn't respond. What could she say? Time? Time for what? Time wouldn't change what she'd done. Time wouldn't erase all the lies and pain she'd caused.   
Time couldn't force her husband and son to love her again. It couldn't make this baby she carried anything more than a living, breathing reminder of her betrayal to Rick. And worst of all, it wouldn't bring back Shane. 

Carol watched her with knowing eyes. "You blame yourself. You shouldn't. Circumstances..." She began.

Lori laughed unexpectedly, and Carol shot her a worried look. "Circumstances?" She parroted the older woman's ironic choice of word.

If Carol only knew. 

Circumstances...that had been her excuse. It was the razor-sharp lie that she used to stab Shane in the heart. The lie that she had never loved him. That she had only been with him because of circumstances. It was part of what eventually drove him mad, made him dangerous, forcing Rick and Carl to murder the man they both loved. 

She had to make the hard choice, right? She had to try and fix the mistakes she'd made. She never meant to fall in love with two men. It was just...circumstances. 

It had hurt so much, rejecting Shane. It felt like killing part of herself, but she did it anyway, because she thought it was the right thing. It wasn't. And in the end, none of her efforts had mattered. 

She rubbed absently at her swollen belly, and felt the baby kick hard. "Ouch" she murmured. Carol put her hand over the spot and grinned broadly when the baby kicked again for her benefit.

Carol looked up at her and her smile faded to a concerned frown. "You look like hell, Lori." She admitted, taking in the bags under her eyes, and her near   
skeletal frame. 

"Gee, thanks." Lori deadpanned. "And you're going to be my labor nurse? Your bedside manner needs work." 

"I'm serious. When's the last time you ate...slept?" Carol asked.

"None of us are exactly doing well with either of those things." Lori answered.

"None of us are nine months pregnant." Carol pointed out.

"Eight months." Lori said automatically, and Carol raised her eyebrows at her.

"Jesus, the lies just never stop, do they?" Lori said incredulously, sitting down on a nearby chair. "I amaze even myself with my delusions. You were with us at the quarry camp. You know who's baby this is..."

"Stop it, Lori! Stop beating yourself up like this. It's not good for you, or the baby." Carol admonished.

Lori looked down at her huge belly and wrapped her arms protectively around the bulk. "I love this baby, Carol." She said, tears beginning to roll down her gaunt cheeks.

"Of course you do, honey!" Carol soothed, pulling up a chair next to her friend.

"It's all I have left of him now. Shane's dead and it's all my fault." Lori said, her tears running freely now.

"Shh, stop it. You shouldn't talk this way. You're not a monster." Carol reasoned.

Lori started to sob at her friend's understanding words. Carol let her cry. She sat beside the weeping woman, rubbing gentle circles on her back. After a few moments she quieted, and with swollen, red-rimmed eyes, looked at her patient friend.

"This baby's Shane's." Lori admitted.

Carol smiled softly. "I know."

"I know you do, but I needed to say it, just the same. I've never told anyone, not even Shane." She let out a few shaky breaths. 

"He knew." Carol said wisely.

"He did, but I still wish I had told him, you know? I wish I had said the words out loud to him." Lori admitted. 

"I know that too." Carol said. "He was a good man, and you loved him."

"But I love Rick too. I never stopped, even when things were awful. Before the turn, we wanted to divorce, did you know that? Then, he was shot, Shane stepped in..." Lori remembered. "We thought Rick was gone forever. Both of us mourned him, both of us loved him. We comforted each other. Then it somehow   
changed...became more."

"You loved him. It's ok to say it." Carol said.

"I did. I loved him. I loved Shane. Then Rick was alive. It was a miracle. Shane was so happy." She smiled.

"Of course he was. Rick was his best friend." Carol said.

"Yeah." Lori smiled. "You should of seen the two of them before the world went to hell, strutting around in their police uniforms, looking so high and mighty. The second they were out of the public eye they were back to cracking fart jokes and acting like ten-year-olds."

"I'm sure." Carol laughed. "I can picture it."

"Rick is my husband, Carol. Carl's father. When he came back to us there was really never any choice. You understand?" Lori pleaded.

"I do. People were going to get hurt." Carol said wisely.

"Yes. Shane..." Lori started.

"And you." Carol interrupted.

"Yes, but you see. I still loved my husband. Despite all that had happened before, I had never stopped loving him. I had my husband and son back, and Shane got pushed aside." Lori explained.

"What else could you have done?" Carol asked.

"I don't know!" Lori cried. "Something! Anything other than this!"

"Lori, there was nothing you could do." Carol told her.

"But Shane, I shouldn't of let him..." Lori mused.

"Your thought your husband was dead. You mourned with his best friend. A good man who loved Rick, and who loved Carl, and who, like you was grieving terribly. You did the best you could, Lori." Carol said.

Lori shook her head and swiped at her messy tears.

"Listen to me." Carol said grabbing her shoulders, forcing her to make eye contact with her, to see the truth in her words. "Did you believe your husband   
was dead?"

"Yes!" Lori said

"Did Shane believe Rick would have survived outside of the hospital? Did he think he had any chance in that state?" Carol asked.

"No." She shook her head. "Shane would never have left him if he did. He told me later that he thought Rick had died before he even left the hospital grounds. The respirator was off and his pulse was so faint..."

"Exactly. Shane made the choice he knew Rick would want him to make. He couldn't save him, so he saved his family." Carol reasoned.

"And then I made a mess of things..." Lori pointed out.

"There was nothing you could do. The wheels were already set in motion. They both loved you, both wanted you. You had to make a choice, even though there was   
no right choice to be made. Everyone had a part in this mess. It's not all on you." Carol explained.

Lori looked at her friend, thinking about all she had just said. Carol's reasoning had helped her sort out some of the pain cluttering her soul. She   
would never forgive herself for the terrible mistakes she made, but she was grateful for her friendship and her understanding. "Thank you Carol."

She knew she didn't have long to live. She always knew that this pregnancy was a death sentence for her. There was no doubt in her mind that she wasn't going to survive this birth. Not under these primitive situations. Not with her health history. Carl's birth had been difficult with many complications. She had lost a lot of blood. She needed transfusions and medications, and that was in a hospital under ideal conditions. She just hope she lived long enough to safely deliver the baby and maybe hold it in her arms, just one time? 

"Promise me something?" Lori asked her.

"If I can." Carol responded.

"If something should happen during the delivery, I want it clear that the baby's life is the priority." Lori said.

"Lori..." Carol interrupted.

"I mean it Carol. Promise me, promise me that if something should go wrong, you won't hesitate, you'll save my baby?" Lori begged.

Carol looked at her friend. She understood the strength of a mother's love. She wouldn't deny her this piece of mind. "I promise."

Lori smiled at her. "Ok. Now that's settled." She said slowly going from a sitting to a standing position, her hand supporting her aching lower-back. "Let's head out into the yard, get some fresh air?"

"Let's go." Carol agreed. She grabbed the tuna can to give to Lori later, put her arm around her friend's shoulder then the two women headed outside together.

\--------------------------------------

Rick waited until he heard the heavy click of the prison's outer door before he finally took an audible breath. He didn't know why he felt compelled to head back and apologize to Lori after he basically ran away from her earlier. He hadn't uttered more than a few words to her that didn't involve Carl's   
well-being since Shane's death. Irregardless, he found himself walking back when he saw Carol. Ducking behind a bookshelf, he waited for her to leave before he approached his wife.

But Carol didn't leave. She stayed to talk to Lori. They said a lot of things, and Rick overheard every single word. Hearing what he did, his first instinct was to grab his wife and hold her tight, and that thought absolutely terrified him. He knew he was too wounded to think clearly when it came to her. He was so angry that he could barely look at her most days. Why then did his heart trip in his chest hearing what she had to say to Carol? He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, deciding to think on it. He didn't want to make any rash decisions he wasn't prepared to handle. That wouldn't be fair to Carl, or Lori.

He walked outside. It was a nice day, sunny and warm. He shielded his eyes to see better and realized most of the group was outside as well, enjoying the day. The sight made him smile. Maybe things would be alright, if there could be days like this, from time to time. He could see Lori and Carl across the yard, they were talking and smiling, which was a miracle unto itself. Rick watched them together for a moment. His heart lurched in his chest at the sight, and for the first time in a long time- he felt hope. 

Tomorrow, he decided. Tomorrow he'd go to her, and they'd talk. Nothing would ever be the same, but maybe, they could somehow figure out a way through all the pain. Before he could form another thought, he heard screams. His head shot up, and he watched in horror as walkers began to fill the prison yard. 

"Carl!" Rick yelled, springing into action, shooting and stabbing any dead thing in his path. "Lori!" But the access gate was locked. He couldn't get to them. He'd have to go around, waste precious seconds. 

Glenn had found the hole in the fence where the walkers got in and was busy tying it back up. Rick ran past him, trying to get to the rest of the group. He rounded the corner just as Lori and Carl were escaping the overrun yard back inside the prison. There were still dozens of walkers between them. Maggie, Glenn, Daryl and Carol were with him, protecting the others, giving them a chance to escape. Rick stopped near Daryl, planted his feet, took aim and began shooting. Once they cleared the yard, he would find them. He had to believe they got away, that they were safe now inside.

"Lori!" He yelled out over the blast of his gun. She and Carl, and the baby, would make it. They just had to be fine. He needed to talk to her. He needed to tell her that...that despite everything he still loved her. 

"Lori!" His yelled again when the yard was finally clear, when he was finally inside the prison, and could help them. "Carl!" His voice echoed down the prison halls. He waited in vain to hear a response, any response. But there was nothing.

Nothing.

There was just nothing.


End file.
